Nikki Palumbo, Sam Reece, Emma Stone the Cat & Fonzie
Left to right: Emma Stone the Cat, Nikki, and Sam
SAM: My parents had a 16lb cat named BILL who jealousy-pissed on me while I was a baby so they rehomed him. Then we adopted a patient tabby named Goldie, a black & white named Coco who bit noses, a chubby calico named CALI who was my mom’s favorite daughter (I’m an only child), and then my very own little tabby terror Emma Stone the cat. I am convinced she will live forever.
NIKKI: I basically use the cats I grew up with as little mile-markers of my childhood. Our cat timeline was: tuxedo Princess (pre-K), orange tabby Sassy (kindergarten), long-haired tabby Missy (1st grade), calico Snickers (6th grade), tuxedo Oreo (7th), and another tuxedo Mia (8th). Then there were two Siamese cats named Sophia and Nala who showed up sometime during high school but I was too into volleyball and hanging out in the nurse’s office to really clock those.
S: Emma’s origin story is still very unclear. An acquaintance posted about a free bodega cat who was “too sweet to live in a box of Doritos.” I ran into that guy a year later and he was like “Can’t believe we found that cat just hanging in the garbage outside of a bar.” So Emma Stone is a garbage kitten who has risen to Hollywood fame.
N: My mother was building a Siamese cat collection and she called me to say “I think I have your cat.” She was fostering him at the time and I wasn’t even looking to adopt a cat, but I remember sitting on the floor of the bathroom and he waltzed right onto my lap, flopped onto his back, and fell asleep. I cried. And that’s basically our relationship: he knows I need him more than he needs me.
Sam and Nikki holding Fonzie
S: I think it’s important to mention now that Emma Stone the cat was raised as an only child, and while I’d love to say she’s obsessed with me because I am her mother, the truth is I don’t think she cares if I’m dead or alive. To Emma Stone the Cat I am a mere minimum wage employee and she is the billionaire CEO that I work for.
N: Fonzie is the only good boy on the planet, I’m pretty sure. He’s a huge sensitive mush where he dives under the bed at the first sign of a stranger or a big sound outside. His dating profile would say “I prefer to travel over your shoulder and my dad bought me a bird feeder so I can watch my friends outside.”
S: If Emma had a dating profile it would simply say “I am not interested.” And if you can believe it, Emma doesn’t like to snuggle, so the first time Fonzie laid on my chest I SOBBED. Now Fonzie and I are best gal pals.
N: The first time I met Emma, I knew: I’m gonna pick that cat up. And does she like it? Absolutely not. Does she tolerate it? Sometimes. She’s so tiny and so soft which really hides the fact that her nails are so sharp and her aim is so precise.
S: I don’t want to say Emma shits in the litter box wrong but it’s definitely not…RIGHT. It makes less sense when you see it. Also, Emma doesn’t like to get brushed UNLESS it’s with a plastic lizard toy I have for some reason.
N: Fonze can find a sunspot anywhere and loves to use a disco ball as his pillow in the window. Things he loves too much: Plants, my Macbook charger (twice), and a long neon orange string. He’s also obsessed with climbing into my backpack and sleeping on top of Sam’s cowboy boots like a lil leather daddy.
S: Emma and Fonzie are classic opposites.
N: He loves crunchy food.
S: She’s aggressively obsessed with wet food.
N: Fonzie loves to lay in your lap.
S: If you touch Emma, she screams.
N: If anyone enters the apartment Fonzie hides for 2 to 6 hours
S: Emma will be anyone’s best friend just in case they give her wet food.
S: Emma is a classic tabby cat, but she does have a white splotch on her chest that makes it look like she’s wearing a giant diamond necklace. And in that way, I believe Emma was an evil queen in a previous life sent to live in the body of a tiny cat to learn important lessons.
N: According to Google and my best guess, Fonzie is part Snowshoe who looks like a little prince on his way to a masquerade ball, where everyone’ll know him immediately from his pink nose and cuckoo clock blue eyes.
S: You know how some cats (Fonzie) can sense pain and heartbreak, so they cuddle with you? After breaking up with an ex one night I came home ready to sob on my couch, but Emma had barfed all over my white curtains. It was deeply humbling and so fucking funny and I will remember it forever. Emma is a special little weirdo and I love her so much
N: I’m very grateful for Fonzie’s Big Console Energy. He knows every time I’m not feeling well or am incredibly depressed and he just assumes the position—fully stretched out on top of me like he’s trying to hide my body from the feds—and does his best to purr out my sick or sad. He’s worked some really long shifts and I love him for that and a thousand other reasons.
NIKKI & SAM: They do not like each other.
Sam Reece is a comedy writer, actor, and absolutely classic Virgo. She’s written for Comedy Central, HBO Max, and more. You can find her making silly things on her viral TikTok Shitty Craft Club!!!!
Nikki Palumbo is a writer, comedian, and legally has to mention they’re Italian. Their writing has been featured in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Reductress, and on mom and dad’s fridge.